We were hanging out with close friends, thank God, but he truly showed his behind. I am completely embarrassed. He was cursing his head off and interrupting people when they talked. At one point, he was trying to grope my friend. It was just out of control.

When I spoke to him about it the next day, he shrugged it off. He didn’t remember — which is not a surprise, given how drunk he was — so to him, it didn’t happen.

This is not the first time my husband has essentially blacked out and acted aggressive and rude. I need this to stop. What can I do?

Out of Control

DEAR OUT OF CONTROL: Bring it up again when your husband is sober. Have several examples of his drunken behavior to mention to him. Tell him that this is unacceptable and must stop.

It is likely that he will shrug it off, in which case you may want to record his behavior the next time he acts out. You can carefully capture his antics on your cellphone and show him later as evidence of your concerns.

Ultimately, you will need to decide if you can live with an out-of-control alcoholic who is unwilling to get help. If he refuses to change his behavior, what do you need to do to protect yourself?

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a work friend who moved away for another job a couple of years ago. I have tried to stay in touch with her, but she has never responded.

It is weird to me because I thought we were close — not like best friends, but still close. We have known each other for a long time, and I thought we always had positive feelings for each other.

Recently, I got her new work email address and sent her a holiday note. It was very light and simple. I thought that might trigger at least a hello back. Nothing.

I can’t think of anything I may have said or done that could have offended her, but if I inadvertently did upset her, I would want to fix that. What else can I do?

Bewildered

DEAR BEWILDERED: Consider sending one more note to your friend expressing your concerns.

Start by saying that you trust that things are going well with her new life in her new city. Then tell her that you miss her and have been attempting to connect with her ever since she left. Ask her if you have done anything to offend her. If you have, apologize, but make it clear that you really are lost as to what occurred to create a chasm in your friendship.

Tell her you would appreciate her getting back to you to set your mind at ease. See what happens next. The ball will then be in her court.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

I was really hurt that my best friend didn’t visit me in the hospital. It was like they completely ignored what had happened, which is so unlike them.

I thought that out of all people, they would be there for me and show their support. But it seems like I was wrong, and now I’m feeling betrayed and alone.

It’s been difficult to get over this disappointment and figure out why it happened in the first place. Is there any advice you can give on how to make sense of the situation?

Car Wreck

DEAR CAR WRECK: Some people freeze in the face of tragedy and do not know how to move forward. There is a chance that this is true for your best friend. It doesn’t excuse them, but it could be an explanation.

Describe how frightening the experience was and how sad you where that they weren’t there to support you. Listen calmly to discover what happened.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have noticed a pattern with my niece that I do not like. I buy Christmas presents for her every year and ship them because she and her family live out of town. I know she gets the things I send because her mother tells me, but she never reaches out to say thank you.

Obviously, I do not buy the gifts to receive her gratitude, but for her to say absolutely nothing is just unconscionable to me. This year I sent an array of items from my travels and other things that I thought she would appreciate. In return: crickets.

Should I say something or just stop sending her things? This has been going on for several years now. By the way, my niece is almost 30 years old.

Ungrateful

DEAR UNGRATEFUL: The person in question is an adult who has bad manners. You have no obligation to continue to give an adult any gifts, especially if she doesn’t acknowledge them. If you want, you can contact her and ask her if she liked her presents. If she responds, you can tell her it would have been nice for her to have told you.

You can also reach out to her directly and check in with her; see how she’s doing and what’s going on in her life. Then tell her the truth — you are disappointed that she has not chosen to acknowledge that you sent her gifts for the holidays. Tell her it is rude and hurts your feelings.

Your third option is to stop giving her gifts and say nothing. She may inquire directly or through her mother as to why. Then you have an opening. Or she may say nothing, and that tradition will have ended.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

On several occasions, we have hung out late. The way I was taught, the man is supposed to make sure that the woman gets home safely. I know that’s old-school, but that’s who I am.

I asked him to drop me at my door or to send me home in a car. He looked at me like I was nuts. He said we live in a city with subways that make it possible for everybody to get home easily.

He said he would take me home only if I was inviting him to spend the night. We aren’t even close to there yet.

I’m not quite sure how to react now. I have my values, but am I being too rigid? I asked my friends, and they said they rarely meet a man who is willing to take them home. They said it’s usually not even a conversation.

See Me Home

Let your potential dates know that if they intend to hang out with you past a particular time, you ask for them to see you home safely — either in person or in a car service. Know that you may be eliminating a sizeable group of men who do not have the same values as you.

You can also make a similar decision that says your dates typically need to end at a particular time, after which you do not feel comfortable taking the subway alone. You may want to decide that you will pay for your car service sometimes so that it doesn’t seem too old-fashioned and you maintain some control over yourself.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Some friends invited my husband and me to dinner at their house. We like them a lot, but we do not like their cooking.

Each time we have eaten with them, I have gotten sick, either because the food was too milky — I am lactose-intolerant and they know it, but they cook with cream anyway — or it was just too rich for our systems.

How do we bow out of the home-cooked meal but still spend time with them?

Not for Dinner

DEAR NOT FOR DINNER: You can try a few things. Ask them if you can come for dessert instead and offer to bring a special treat yourself. If they agree, remind them that you are lactose-intolerant so you can’t eat every type of dessert. Give ideas on what you can eat.

If they press for you to come for dinner, tell them that you really want to hang out with them, but your dietary restrictions are so severe that you are afraid that you will not be able to eat the delicious food they prepare.

You can pivot and ask if they would like to meet at a restaurant that serves food that each of you can eat. Acknowledge that you know how hard it is to cook for you due to your dietary limitations.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

He assured me that he didn’t have COVID-19. To him, that meant everything was fine. I thought to myself, there are lots of illnesses other than COVID-19. I think he should have canceled the date, but since we were out, I wasn’t sure what to do.

So I stayed, but then he wanted to kiss me. I drew the line there. I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable kissing him because he was sick.

He had the nerve to catch an attitude about that. What? I swear I thought I was in the Twilight Zone. Who would knowingly kiss someone who is sick?

I don’t want to dump this guy before it even gets started, so what can I say to address this?

Not When You Are Sick

Tell him that as much as you had been looking forward to hanging out with him, you think he should have canceled and explained why. People seem to have forgotten that they can get seriously ill with other viruses beyond COVID-19.

Tell him you believe he was sick enough to stay home. Point out, too, that he got indignant when you wouldn’t kiss him. Ask him if he cares about your well-being. If he answers yes, ask him if he would knowingly make you sick. If he says no, tell him that kissing you when sick would directly pass germs that could make you ill.

The way he responds should tell you whether you go out with him again.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was going through old emails and social media posts and discovered a couple of messages from an old friend. She was reaching out in a timely manner, and I totally missed more than one message. These messages go back more than a year.

I feel horrible that she probably thinks I don’t care about her at all. I did not see any of these communications until just now.

Do I reach out to her now even though it’s so late? If I do, should I admit that I only just now saw her messages?

At this point, what she asked is moot, but I want her to know that I didn’t intentionally ignore her. What should I say?

Missed Messages

DEAR MISSED MESSAGES: Do write back to her — or call if you have her number.

Apologize for only discovering her multiple outreaches now. Assure her that you were not ignoring her. Instead, you hadn’t looked at your messages closely and had missed them.

This is an increasingly common challenge for people these days. For those who use more than one social media outlet plus email, there are multiple locations to search for messages. If they are active on social media, messages can get buried. Also, the messenger feature is different than the regular flow of content.

Be honest. Apologize and give her the best way to reach you directly if she needs you.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

I grew up in the Deep South, where racism and inequality are still a very present problem, which is why I worked really hard to become successful enough to leave that area and never look back. I ended up in a mostly white, very safe community where everything was fine until these last few years, starting with the murder of George Floyd.

Everything that I got away from was now in my face in the news every day, and what’s worse is that the people around me don’t seem to feel the same pain I feel. They say I’m “pushing a narrative” every time I speak out about police brutality in Black communities.

It’s been almost three years now, and I’m tired of being made to feel that my pain and sometimes my fear as a Black man in this country are invalid. What should I do? What can I say to make them get it?

Black Man Interrupted

You have to be willing to soldier on and not give up. You also need to make allies among your white peers and leaders. In order to address inequities effectively and make a difference, you have to get folks from all sides to believe in the need for change.

The notion of “pushing a narrative” is unfortunate. The truth is that the best way to get people to understand the impact of an issue is to paint a vivid picture of it. Perhaps you can refine your narrative to include specific examples of what some people are doing to make a difference so they don’t have to imagine it. You can provide them with ideas to consider.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 40-year-old single mom, and I am having trouble dating. It seems as if I am attracting emotionally unavailable men.

I am always upfront about desiring a serious relationship, and every man who shows interest in me immediately lets me know that they are not interested in that. What am I doing wrong?

Lonely Single Mom

DEAR LONELY SINGLE MOM: While it is true that you are looking for love, for something that can last and be serious, you may be saying as much too soon. Try going a little slower next time.

Meet someone and talk. Figure out if you share interests and values. Learn about each other. Be willing to allow the dance of dating to happen. Of course you should make sure the person is available to date — meaning he is unmarried and uncoupled.

Without changing your goals, articulate them a little more slowly so that you can see who is in front of you without scaring him off. The way you get to a serious relationship is experience by experience. You create special moments together that bring you closer and make you want to choose to be together, not so much because you want a partner, but because you want each other.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

I always suspected this because I noticed the subtle flirting when he would come around. It has always frustrated me how flirty she is with younger guys in general, but I am furious that she actually made a move on my ex.

Now that he has confirmed that she did make a pass at him, should I confront her? If so, how? This is my mother we are talking about!

Mad at Mom

DEAR MAD AT MOM: Yes, you should confront your mother. She absolutely crossed the line when she flirted with and made a pass at your ex-boyfriend. That is not OK.

Tell her that it saddens and angers you that your relationships are unsafe around her. Express your horror that you cannot trust your mother to be around your beau.

Further, you may need to keep your distance from her when you are with a partner — at least for now. Make it clear to her that she will see less of you and none of any man you begin to see if you feel that she will continue to cross that obvious, if invisible, line.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently graduated from college. Not long after graduating, I started seeing a woman about 10 years older than me. I already think things could work out between us in the long run. We have so much in common, and I love spending time with her.

The only thing I am concerned about is how different our financial situations are. She is 100% financially independent, established in her career and making great money. In contrast, I am still dependent on my parents.

I work part-time at a restaurant, and it doesn’t pay very much. She says that she is not bothered by the fact that I’m not making any serious money right now, but I know that I would be bothered by it if we were to take the next step in our relationship any time soon.

I don’t want to let go of what could potentially be a great relationship. What should I do?

Not Making Much

DEAR NOT MAKING MUCH: Make a plan for your future. What do you want to do with your life?

What timeline can you design for your plan? Envision the job, the home, the life you want, and map it out to the best of your ability. You can talk to your girlfriend about your plans as well. See if she wants to support your vision.

While she is likely being honest that your salary is not her focus now, you both will be in a better place if you have a plan in place that you are executing.

Agree on what you intend to do with your life, then invite her to support your efforts. Include your parents in this plan as well, considering you are still relying on them. It is possible for this relationship to work if you take the reins and map it out.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

The two of them are not married, and by the looks of it, this man has no intention to marry her.

As a father, it can be difficult to watch your child make decisions that you know are not in their best interest, but at the end of the day, just because I do not agree with all of her decisions does not mean I love her any less.

How do I support my daughter during her pregnancy even though I do not like the man she is having the baby with?

Supportive Dad

DEAR SUPPORTIVE DAD: Start thinking about how you can help your daughter in the long term.

Find out what she expects her baby’s father to contribute to the family. Do not disparage this man. Talk about plans and tactics for caring for this child.

Offer whatever you believe you can contribute to help her, but be careful not to promise anything you cannot or will not do. That’s how you can help your daughter to look ahead so that she can see what responsibilities lie before her and consider how she intends to handle them.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend is on some sort of weight-loss kick and is now trying to convince me that I need to follow her new routine as well.

The diet that she is on is too restrictive for me. I have had a long, complicated relationship with yo-yo dieting since my teens, and I am just now starting to fix these issues — well into my adulthood.

My friend is naturally pushy, and I don’t think she understands how triggering it is to be around someone who is so persistent about getting on a diet.

The only thing that I feel like doing is avoiding her. How do I handle this?

Pushy Friend

DEAR PUSHY FRIEND: Have a serious conversation with your friend, and be plainly honest. Admit that it is hard for you to have this talk with her because dieting in and of itself has been challenging to you.

As your friend, tell her that you need her to give you space to do what’s right for you, just as you are giving her space for herself. Ask her to stop pressuring you. Make it clear that if she cannot stop her pushiness, you will have no choice but to distance yourself from her.

Next, make good on your promise. You must take care of yourself first. If that means that you stop talking to her for some time or cut her off entirely, that’s OK. You need to surround yourself with people who are respectful and supportive, not those who are unable to have empathy for you in your situation.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

I was trying to be funny and make a joke, but it came out wrong, and she got offended. I felt terrible afterward, and I’m not sure how to fix the situation. I tried to backpedal and explain that I didn’t actually mean anything by it, but it was too late; the damage was done, and our conversation fizzled out after that.

I’m really kicking myself for saying the wrong thing, because I really liked her and we were having such a great time chatting. I know there are no second chances for first impressions, but is there anything I could do to fix what I’ve done?

Foot in Mouth

DEAR FOOT IN MOUTH: Request an opportunity to see this woman again. If granted, go to her openly and tell her the truth.

You might explain to her that you feel a bit like a teenage boy who punches his love interest in the arm as a sign of endearment, and it makes the girl mad rather than starry-eyed.

You messed up. You wanted to tell her because you really want a second chance to get to know her. You hope she will grant it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son got a job as a bartender a little while ago, and he’s making some pretty good money.

It’s definitely not the career path I had envisioned for him, but I’m still proud of him for getting a job and doing well. However, I fear that this decent wage is all he needs to be content with his career.

I want my son to challenge himself and find fulfillment in his work. If he gets too comfortable with the paychecks now, he may never explore opportunities or learn more about career fields that may interest him.

How can I help him realize that there is still room for growth without making him feel bad about what he has already achieved?

Don’t Get Complacent

DEAR GET COMPLACENT: You cannot control your son, no matter how hard you try. You can encourage him to think ahead about his life by considering making one-year, five-year and 10-year plans.

Start by congratulating him on securing a job that helps him be independent and responsible for himself. Find out what he likes about this job and what the challenges are. Find out if he is saving money as part of a plan for tomorrow. Then talk to him about what he envisions his future to be.

Notice that I did not say what you envision for him. You are not the focus here. It is your son’s life. He has to consider what he wants to do with it. You can gently encourage him to expand his horizons, but don’t push too hard or he will instinctively push back.

Have patience. He has to find his way. You cannot do that for him.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

This has been bothering me lately. It’s the time of year when I evaluate my friendships, their significance in my life and whether I want to keep them. Going into the new year, I’m unsure what kind of friendship this is.

I appreciate the invitation for special occasions, but I wonder why she doesn’t include me in anything casual and low-key. Do I just accept that this is the type of relationship we have, or should I bring it up with her and try to get to the root of the issue?

Superficial Friendship

DEAR SUPERFICIAL FRIENDSHIP: I want to start by asking what you invite your friend to attend.

If you want to be included in more intimate gatherings with her, start by inviting her to an intimate gathering of your creation. If she attends, you can tell her that you love coming to her big celebrations and this year you would like to spend more time with her. Don’t ask her to invite you to anything. Keep inviting her, and perhaps she will return the favor.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m struggling to hold on to a friendship with someone whose mental illness has taken over her entire personality. I hardly recognize her anymore.

I see small glimmers of the person she used to be now and then, but it’s getting rarer each day. I don’t know how to bring her back or support her in a way that would be useful.

She claims to be on medication, but her family members have told me that she is not. She’s showing no real sign of improvement, and I’m devastated.

It’s like I am grieving the loss of someone who is still alive. How do I remain friends with someone who is essentially a stranger now? How do I support her in her battle with a mental illness that I don’t fully understand?

Losing My Friend

DEAR LOSING MY FRIEND: As I have researched this, the best advice I have gathered suggests that you continue to do your best to show your love to your friend as you also accept that she may never be the same.

Stay in touch with her at a pace that you can manage. Continue to reach out to her family and talk to them about how things are going. You will likely need and appreciate each other’s support.

Know that you do not have the expertise to provide mental health care for your friend. You have the capacity to love without judgment. You can call, send messages via text, send physical cards and gifts and remain present, but you must also take care of yourself.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

My eldest niece was born on that day years ago, so it used to be a moment for sweet celebration in my family, the beginning of the next generation. I remember when we first got word of the attack on the United States Capitol building two years ago and my niece was fuming for all the reasons, including that her birthday would never be hers again.

I do not typically use this space to address political issues. I am addressing this now, though, because it is more than that. It is a national issue, a small-D democratic issue (not related to the political party). We came so close to the dissolution of order, structure and truth on that fateful day that it is wise for us to pause for a moment and reflect on what we value.

I always thought that the beauty of our experiment in democracy in this country is that we civilly agree to disagree. We follow the guidelines created for a peaceful transfer of power even when “our candidate” loses the election. America has served as the example of how to push past disagreements — no matter how ferocious they are — with honor and integrity. Our system has been heralded for the ways in which we work together, even when we don’t like each other.

What’s key here for all of us to recognize is that each of us serves a role in this. Think about your own life. How do you handle conflicts? What do you do when decisions have been made that you don’t like — at work, in your family, in your community? Do you ignore agreements that you don’t care for? Do you “go rogue” and do whatever you want? Do you agitate for change within the system? What do you do?

I ask these questions with all sincerity. How you live your life and manage the challenges that you face has everything to do with how our country functions. Do you behave in a democratic way when dealing with conflict? How often do you negotiate with others?

When do you put your stake in the ground and not budge? What happens when your behavior is unreasonable or erratic? What happens when others in your life do not follow the rules of engagement? Think about these things and about how you may want to behave moving forward that might be more equitable, more fair, more thoughtful, safer.

Let the memory of the horrors of two years ago wake you up to the potential for today. Be accountable for yourself and how you interact with others. Let your conscious behavior inform your steps and help to make this a better world.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.