She came back before I finished checking out and proceeded to shame me in a loud voice for “cutting in line.” To my chagrin, another young matron, also with an overflowing cart and a toddler in tow, was bagging her items ahead of me and chimed in.

Caught in the crossfire, I was at a loss for words (and so was the cashier). I completed my transaction and left, but I wish I had had the presence of mind to explain that since she left, no, I did not cut in front of her.

I feel the rules of etiquette have been turned upside down. I think I did the right thing in not saying anything, as it would have made things worse. I felt terrible and spent the day depressed and wondering if this was a harbinger of things to come.

GENTLE READER: Oh, not again — another grocery line fight!

Leaving is the best solution to such public rudeness. But if you had to stay to retrieve your groceries, you could have said, “I didn’t know how long you would be away, and I didn’t want to hold up the line.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As someone with limited mobility, I must often take cabs. I once found myself in a taxi, for an hourlong ride, with a driver who read “alternative” news sites, believed in conspiracy theories and apparently wanted to talk about them.

I’m not sure how the conversation began, nor could I determine the best way to bring it to a close.

After approximately 15 minutes of this one-sided exchange, I blurted out, “Can we not talk about this? I find it very upsetting.” The driver apologized and the rest of the ride was uneventful.

I’d like to know if there is a gentler way to end these types of conversations — both for etiquette’s sake, and to avoid upsetting someone enough to be left on the side of the road.

GENTLE READER: Time was when taxi drivers’ political talk was considered a significant indication of public opinion. Reams about the state of the nation were written by pundits based on conversations during their transportation to the office.

How enlightening that was, Miss Manners cannot presume to say. But the toxic state of current political discourse makes the casual airing of opinions among strangers unappealing, if not dangerous.

Even stating why you find this upsetting could open a debate. All you need to say is, “I’m afraid I need some quiet time.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When meeting other people at a restaurant, often the host asks the first to arrive if they wish to be seated or to wait for the rest of the party to arrive. Is it proper to be seated ahead of the others? If so, is it proper to order drinks or appetizers while waiting?

GENTLE READER: Only if they are really late, and you greet them by saying, “I know you wouldn’t have wanted us to wait.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

It’s especially frustrating and offensive in what should be religion-free places of business, such as the doctor’s office or a public agency.

While we don’t want to be rude, and we know some people may not even understand why it is offensive and genuinely think they are being nice, we also don’t want the obvious proselytizing and forced religious exchange to go unchecked.

It’s tempting to respond with “Under his eye” or to explain that it’s offensive, but that would mean revealing private information about our personal religious status. And when you reveal you aren’t religious to someone who is, you risk being treated badly.

Instead, we almost always end up gritting our teeth and replying “You, too” or “Have a nice day” and letting it go. But it wears on us and makes us feel unwelcome and discriminated against. And it’s becoming more and more prevalent.

GENTLE READER: Although you and your friends are religion-free, language is not. Even “goodbye” derives from “God be with ye.” People who bless you when you sneeze would be puzzled to be accused of forcing their religion on you.

As you are against bringing religion into public discourse, Miss Manners wonders why you are even tempted to open such discussions. Explaining your position is surely an opening for others to explain theirs. She suggests that you continue to tolerate conventional cliches and stop taking them personally.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently searched for the address of an instructor from my college years, which were about 35 years ago, so I could thank her again for helping me learn and grow. I was shocked to learn that she had died in 2010 (she wasn’t that old — 67).

I began drafting a condolence letter to her husband, whom I never knew, but a close friend has gently suggested that I ought not to send it. She suggested that I should deal privately with my grief; that my grief about this loss is perhaps amplified by some other, more recent losses in my life; that sending a condolence letter to someone so long after the fact might be gauche; and that the widower, who was roughly my instructor’s contemporary, might be dealing with the challenges that can come with old age and therefore might not welcome this reminder of his absent wife.

On the one hand, I would want to know — even 12 years later — that my late parent or partner had touched someone’s life. On the other, my friend has made some valid points.

GENTLE READER: No, she hasn’t.

Only people who have never lost someone dear to them could believe that the bereaved don’t want to be reminded that such a person ever existed. Why your close friend wants to talk you out of offering a source of comfort to an elderly widower, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

He and his fiancee invited their parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and about a dozen of their closest friends. We provided dinner and drinks for all guests after the rehearsal, and the bride’s parents provided dinner and drinks for the wedding reception.

I was truly irked when I learned that some guests did not cough up wedding presents. They said they didn’t need to give presents because they had blessed the couple with their presence (my words).

Geez Louise, they were treated to two nights of dinners and unlimited drinks! I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, especially after all these years, but it may be helpful to other out-of-country wedding guests to know the proper etiquette when attending weddings.

GENTLE READER: That is true. However, Miss Manners will have to insist that you not be the one who states it.

Surely this is worth a few dinners — as much or more so than an overpriced set of bath towels. So the proper etiquette here is that, geez Louise, the guests do not need to agree to all of this. And even if they do, presents are optional — although Miss Manners will concede that it is impolite to state that so explicitly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A woman who recently joined my church is quite intrusive and tramples all over personal boundaries. I’m at a loss as to how to tell her that her questions are none of her business without being rude myself.

For example: She and I are in the choir together. One Sunday, a friend (another choir member) and I were having a quiet, private conversation in a corner of the choir loft away from everyone else.

We were discussing a health concern I have. I told my friend that my doctor was changing my medications. Just then, the new woman came up and overheard my last sentence. She then asked me why I take medication.

I’m afraid I froze because I didn’t know how to answer. I’m not comfortable with her knowing this information but also didn’t want to say something that could come across as rude. When I didn’t answer, she started badgering me by asking if I have a heart condition, liver problems, etc. Luckily for me, the service was about to start, so the conversation ended.

How do I shut down this type of questioning without being impolite?

GENTLE READER: “Oh, my goodness, how rude of us. Evelyn and I should not be having our private conversations here in church. I’m so sorry.” And then Miss Manners suggests that you limit future conversations to completely secluded areas.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

Of course we have never even hinted that this is expected, as it most certainly is not. For me, it’s also absolutely unwanted. I find it insulting that they act as if we’re the kind of hosts that would expect them to do this.

My wife disagrees and says they’re only trying to be helpful, but I wonder if they don’t trust us to wash the sheets between guests.

I was always taught that while it’s important to be a gracious host, it’s also important to be a gracious guest.

GENTLE READER: How about teaching you not to presume unkind motives where none are intended? Your guests are merely trying to lessen your burden and pitch in — not to criticize your home care and hygiene.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to the wedding of a friend of my son’s from high school. This was not just a casual friend, but one who spent a lot of time in my home. I would even make him special dinners if he requested them. I thought of him as my “bonus son.”

I also became friends with his mother, who had no problem with me treating him like another son.

I won’t pry, as these boys are now adults, but apparently there was some kind of falling-out between him and my son. The groom refuses to tell me what happened, but he has disinvited me from the wedding.

Is it wrong for me to not send a wedding gift? I also know the bride, as they all graduated together in our small town.

I am very hurt and I am not sure where I stand, though no one has insinuated that I have done anything wrong. I canceled my leave request from work for the wedding. My heart is broken!

GENTLE READER: Did you think to ask your son what the rift was about? Because while Miss Manners generally agrees that parents should stay out of their adult children’s affairs, it seems odd that you would not at least consider defending him.

All things being equal, the bridegroom — who had his own relationship with you — should not have excluded you when his anger was with your son. But depending upon the nature of the quarrel, you may well consider standing in solidarity with your real son, rather than with your bonus one.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

I don’t mind that they talk, but the problem is that they are loud. Very loud. Way, way too loud! Even though I sit all the way across the room, I can hear their conversations perfectly. They seem to share every aspect of their lives and feel the need to vocalize every little thought that comes into their heads.

It has gotten to the point where I am having a hard time focusing on the tasks at my desk. I am not allowed to wear noise-canceling headphones because it could prevent me from answering an important telephone call.

A couple weeks ago, I sent an anonymous letter to the director of human resources listing my concerns, but nothing has changed. If anything, it’s become worse. I have hesitated to speak with my supervisor because she is friends with the supervisor of the loud sector.

I don’t want to be considered a “buzzkill” or get a reputation for being a complainer. However, the noise is affecting my production, and I don’t think that’s right.

Miss Manners says this for you to keep in mind — not because she is confident it is apparent to the human resources director, your boss, their boss or them.

You should speak to your supervisor, the human resources director or both. But you need to do so in a language they will understand. You must speak about avoiding reduced productivity (not your failure to focus) by finding reasonable accommodations for your preferred work environment, as it differs from that preferred by your co-workers (not the “kids in their 20s” who keep “talking and laughing”).

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our church recently held a picnic for those who volunteer their time and talent. A committee of six people puts the picnic on each year and makes the food.

The rub is that one of the six refuses to eat anyone else’s food! She and her spouse fill their plate with only their food and, when they go back for seconds, it’s the same thing.

The rest of our small group noticed and, frankly, we feel offended. We know it isn’t because of special dietary needs. We said nothing to them and will continue to seethe silently — or should we?

GENTLE READER: It was Miss Manners’ impression that many churches concern themselves with harder problems — such as how to treat with charity and compassion those who have done us actual harm. But even humble etiquette sees no profit in seeking to punish someone who did nothing at all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand that “Stop by and see us anytime” is not a real invitation and should not be acted upon. But if they include their street address, does that change the calculus?

GENTLE READER: It makes it more likely that they would be pleased to see you, which is a reason to go — not a reason to do so without advance warning.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

Occasionally a person sitting next to me asks me to close the window so that they can watch a movie. I don’t want to. They can watch the movie anytime, but my show exists only at 35,000 feet.

I have tried to explain, but I often just cave in. Is there a polite way for me to handle this and still get my view?

GENTLE READER: In the days when paper airplane tickets were ubiquitous, airlines were happy to print unpleasant truths on the back, albeit in grammatically tortured, microscopic print.

Miss Manners recalls that the substance was that your flight may not leave on time — or at all; that it may leave without you or your baggage; or that worse things may happen en route.

Tell your seatmate you are happy to close the shade during his movie but would like to have it open as you cross the mountains, or whenever the movement of the aircraft suggests there is something worth seeing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was talking with a colleague the other day when he referred to his “baby mama” and how he had helped her through a recent illness. Upon the conclusion of our conversation, I wished him and his “friend and, uh, baby mama” (mumbled) good health.

I love that families come in all shapes and sizes, but I have a hard time with the term “baby mama.” It is grammatically incorrect. Besides that, was it a demotion to call her a “friend”? Or does “baby mama” imply that she and my colleague have no greater allegiance to each other than their baby?

Is it simply most polite to refer to someone by the same title with which he or she was introduced?

GENTLE READER: As your friend’s situation becomes less unusual, a respectful term to describe the mother of his child will have to be found. Miss Manners agrees that, even if one were willing to throw grammar to the wind, your friend’s nomenclature is not it.

A respectful term would not infantilize the bearer, which may be why we have no evidence that the woman in question uses it herself. There are many grammatical ways to avoid using this term without the challenge of contradicting it, from “I wish you and Susan the best with little Georgie” to “That’s great! I can’t wait to meet everybody.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

This strikes me as braggy and pretentious; do we really need to know her résumé for the purpose of making brunch plans?

I don’t wish to offend her by objecting to this, as she is perfectly nice and down-to-earth in person. But I’m sure I can’t be the only one feeling annoyed, and possibly belittled, by this practice.

What does Miss Manners say?

GENTLE READER: That the lady must have trouble convincing people that she is educated.

At a shower at my house, one of my friends took me aside to tell me that I was committing a decorating/etiquette faux pas by having unused candles in the candelabra. She said that I should at least present the appearance that the candelabra was used if I were going to display it.

I had never heard of this. Is she right? Do I need to light all of the candles, let them burn for a little while, and then blow them out?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners explains this to you, are you going to use it as evidence that the entire field of etiquette — the whole paralegal system to regulate human social behavior at a tolerant level — is silly?

Probably.

Nevertheless, she will plunge ahead.

The idea is to avoid displaying things purely for show. Supposedly, you furnish your house for practical reasons — which can include the pleasure you derive from nonutilitarian objects for their aesthetic or sentimental value. That is how you think of your family candelabra.

Nevertheless, it is obviously a utilitarian object, the practical use of which you are ignoring. The candles, being there just for display, are a bit like the fancy guest towels that hosts resent their guests using. Burning the wicks suggests acknowledging their use, even if you do not continue to use them.

Is failing to do so a high crime? Certainly not. Especially when compared to criticizing the decor in a house in which you are a guest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dear friend got married privately during the pandemic, and I gave her a monetary gift in recognition. Now, two years later, I will be attending the celebration of their wedding.

It’s still a wedding: I have to dress up as a bridesmaid, and there will be dinner, dancing and all. Do I need to provide another gift for her? Same amount? Or a small, physical gift instead?

GENTLE READER: If you wish, but it is not still a wedding.

This couple is already married. There is nothing wrong with their tossing a party, but Miss Manners wishes that people would stop calling such celebrations “weddings” when they lack the key ingredient: a marriage ceremony.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

The club we joined is family-friendly. However, the last few times we have gone, we have gotten stuck next to clueless parents who sit with other couples and let their kids sit at their own table.

The kids are loud and constantly up and running around.

I’m not happy, as we are paying a considerable amount of money to belong and don’t want to put up with these brats on our nights out. I’m at a crossroads.

I said something to the hostess a month ago. However, last evening we were entertaining family friends and got stuck next to a table celebrating a 3-year-old’s birthday. To say they were obnoxiously loud would be an understatement.

GENTLE READER: Apparently you joined the wrong club. Country clubs, with their sports facilities, tend to attract families, which means children (or what you call “brats”), and that, in turn, leads to birthday parties and children who don’t sit still.

You might look for a city club with a good library. Or you could become active in the country club and propose separate dining areas for adults and children.

Whether you succeed will probably depend on the demographics of the membership. But if you continue to characterize children as you do, your chances are zero.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Like many others during the pandemic, I have found myself overweight and not looking my best. I am taking steps to improve my health, but I do not wish to be in pictures at this stage of my life. I don’t want to remember myself like this, nor do I want pictures of me floating around on social media.

Sometimes friends and family are insistent about getting a picture with me; I decline, insisting instead upon taking the picture rather than being in it.

Is there another approach I can take to get these pushy people to accept my boundaries? I don’t want to tell them I feel insecure about my looks because that would simply be met with, “Oh, you look fine.”

GENTLE READER: No matter what you weigh or how you think you look, picture-taking is now a widespread social nuisance. Even people whose livelihoods depend on being celebrated and photographed eventually come to hate it.

If you are asked, simply decline with no reason other than you do not want your picture taken. As you point out, self-deprecating remarks about your appearance will only sound as if you are hoping to be contradicted.

But Miss Manners knows that people don’t always ask. In such cases, you must defend yourself as best you can. Not having agreed to be a model, you are under no obligation to stand still.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was a widower, now I’m remarried, my current wife was divorced previously, and we have six adult daughters between us. What is the proper introductory word to use when describing these women? Are they our daughters, my stepdaughters, what?

GENTLE READER: “Our daughters.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

First, some people post too much — several times a day. Please recommend no more than three or four posts a week. Also, some people post too many pictures of their children or grandchildren. They may be dear to the family, but other people’s interest in them is limited.

People should ask themselves: Is this very similar to something I posted recently? Types of posts that should be minimized in number: posts about your children, posts about political or social organizations, ads for businesses (unless it’s really special or to announce that you are starting a business), inspirational mottos, personality tests and movie quizzes. “Memories” posts should be limited to things that are really special (such as weddings), not just your children at an earlier age.

There is sometimes a setting for “See fewer posts like this,” but that isn’t always successful. So it would help if posters would follow some guidelines.

GENTLE READER: Certainly. But currently, Miss Manners has her hands full asking people not to post insulting rhetoric and lewd propositions. In the face of all-out verbal warfare, slipping in an extra picture of their grandchild seems like a pretty minor infraction. But please, knock yourself out.

The invitation arrived by email from a university-sponsored website. Under the RSVP menu, I was further informed that dinner reservations and a cash bar were available — at a price two or three times what I would normally pay for a pleasant night out. Although I can afford the occasional splurge, I was taken aback. After discussing it with my wife, I checked the “regrets” box.

We agreed that there are various ideas for having a party on a budget and/or cost-sharing, but this approach was not a good one. Knowing the retiree, I don’t think this was his idea, and I feel a bit guilty about declining. I do plan to give him a gift and pay him a personal visit.

Is this sort of pay-to-play event becoming common? Is there anything I can or should say besides politely declining?

GENTLE READER: Common or not, using a retirement as a fundraiser by padding the cost is unseemly — and hardly celebratory. Miss Manners feels for your friend, who, as you say, was undoubtedly coerced into this brazen event in his name.

If you want to be exceedingly gracious, you might invite him to a simple dinner party at your home, telling him, “The university event seemed a bit impersonal. We would love to have you over to celebrate your retirement privately.” And if you are feeling cheeky, you might add, “We promise not to charge for the drinks.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

What no one knows is that, from the beginning of our life together, he never put me first. He seldom, if ever, encouraged me or complimented me. His abusiveness came through in the tone of his voice, not his actual words. I sought counseling after 30 years because I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted.

I cannot explain the relief I felt when I no longer came home to his car in the garage. How do I respond to the constant sympathy I continue to receive from those who miss him more than I do? I don’t want to denigrate his memory for those who experienced his love and concern.

GENTLE READER: “Thank you. He will be missed.” That it will not be by you, Miss Manners assures you, need not be specified.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an 11-year-old male. I’ve recently come across a dilemma when I try to read the writing on a girl’s or woman’s shirt.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners’ thoughts are that you may already require reading glasses. It should only take a quick glance to read someone’s shirt.

If you are being accused of staring, you have looked for too long. True, if people wear shirts with more than a sentence on them, they only have themselves to blame for others taking the time to read it. And Miss Manners has found that it is easy to forget what you are wearing.

But if you do get caught looking for too long, you had better be able to quickly reference what you were reading.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For my 78th birthday, one of my children sent me a birthday cake. The cake was maybe 50% icing with bits of sugar candy throughout. I know it was expensive because I saw it advertised.

I have been a baker for 50 years and rarely make iced cakes. The cake was so sweet I couldn’t eat it.

I didn’t know how to respond when they asked how I liked it, so I said, “What was it supposed to taste like?” What should I have said?

GENTLE READER: The intention of your child was surely to please you with an extravagant, and apparently well-advertised, cake — not to maliciously rot out your teeth and give you cavities.

Miss Manners suggests you practice saying, “It was so kind of you to think of me on my birthday” as an alternative to, “Why are you trying to both kill and annoy me with your sugary presents?”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.