At the time, Roger was married with three children. My husband and I were separated, and I had one son. The 15-year age gap between us didn’t matter to me. I admired him.

Roger was soft-spoken, intelligent and a gentleman. He was of Christian faith, so when he decided to divorce his wife, his partners held an intervention and bought out his equity in the company, which forced him to move out of state.

Roger was a great person and struggled with the thought of leaving his family. I understood, and we parted ways. I kept informed about him as much as possible over the years but never contacted him, and we lived in different states.

When he left, I was pregnant, but I didn’t tell him because so much was going on and I didn’t want the baby to be a tool. I had a son, reconciled with my husband and never told a soul. Eight years after that, my husband and I divorced.

I recently had several dreams about him and couldn’t stop thinking of him. They seemed so real. I looked Roger up online and found out he died a year ago.

I am devastated and feel guilty for not giving my son the opportunity to know his father.

Roger has other children. At this point, should I let them know or should I just leave everything alone? My biggest fear is causing pain to his wife. She is a good person and doesn’t deserve this.

HOLDING MANY SECRETS

DEAR HOLDING: What is to be gained by making an announcement at this late date? As you stated, it won’t provide your son the opportunity to know his father. And receiving shocking news at this point will only cause Roger’s widow pain.

However, I would do another internet search to see if you can find out what killed Roger. If it’s something that could be passed down to your son, warn him. Otherwise, I’m voting for leaving everything alone.

DEAR ABBY: Over the past two years, a friend I have felt very close to over the years has gone downhill. “Nancy” thinks her neighbors have placed listening devices in her apartment, have entered her place illegally and taken things, and are in general malevolent.

I have my own troubles and burdens in my life, and this change in her leaves me feeling frightened, powerless and overwhelmed.

I have stepped back, but a mutual friend tells me Nancy feels abandoned and betrayed by me. I’m afraid if I reach out, I’ll be sorry. But on the other hand, I never have said goodbye.

Nancy has a therapist now, and I lift her up in prayer a lot. What do you suggest I do, if anything?

FAILED FRIEND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRIEND: Your prayers have been answered. Nancy is now in the care of a therapist and may improve.

If the only reason you would be contacting her is to say goodbye, I think it would be cruel. If you would like to check in from time to time, ask how she’s doing and offer some warmth and encouragement, then give her a call.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

It would be fine if they were sent to our home, but sending them to my workplace makes it seem like he wants to send a message. It feels controlling somehow. I feel like a spectacle and uncomfortable. I don’t want to say anything to him and hurt his feelings when he’s trying to be nice, but I just want it to stop.

He thinks my late husband gave me flowers all the time because when we moved, I had 30 vases or more. But most of them were from bouquets I received after his death. Plus, when my late husband gave me flowers, it was usually after he did something hurtful. So yes, I do have a negative connotation about flowers.

But still, saying something to him about stopping makes me as queasy as actually getting the flowers. Please help.

OVER-BLOSSOMED IN THE WEST

Tell him everything you have written to me. He needs to know why you feel the way you do about receiving flowers, and also that sending them to your workplace is distracting and feels intrusive.

If he feels he must give you a public demonstration of his adoration, he should make it a nice box of candy that everyone can enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, my child was sexually abused by a relative. After I found out, I reported it, which made the abuser’s family very upset. Charges were filed, and there were court dates, probation and counseling.

To date, everything the judge required of the abuser has been legally fulfilled. While I’m glad everything was completed, I’m still not comfortable having him around my children.

The extended family wants to have large gatherings like were held in the past, and they are so happy we can all be together again. Is it bad that I still don’t want my child and other children around the abuser? Is it bad I don’t want my child to have to spend every major holiday and celebration with their abuser in the same space?

It bothers me that everyone is celebrating the return of this pedophile and disregarding my child’s feelings as if nothing ever happened. Am I wrong to feel this way? What’s the best way to handle this?

SHELL-SHOCKED MOTHER IN COLORADO

DEAR SHELL-SHOCKED: You are not wrong. You are a loving, caring, vigilant and protective mother. The best way to handle this would be to forgo family gatherings at which the abuser will be present. A victim of sexual abuse should not be required to ever be in that person’s presence again.

DEAR READERS: In the words of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who in 1968 was martyred in the cause of civil rights, and whose birthday we remember today: “We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.”

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Last winter, while they were still together, they came over and brought along an outdoor heater for us to borrow. It broke while it was in our care, so we bought them a new one. They knew it was in our garage, but they never came to pick it up. (Back story: He cheated and is keeping their house. She kept a lot of the indoor/outdoor items, some over his objection.)

My husband called him last weekend to remind him, again, to pick it up. Coincidentally, today she asked me for it and wants to come and get it ASAP and beat him to it.

In all fairness, I don’t know who it should go to. I hate being in the middle, and I hate confrontations. My husband feels it should go to the husband because he called and reminded him. What should we do?

CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 45 years. We are both retired and have hobbies to keep us busy.

My problem is, he has so many friends that he doesn’t have time for any of the things I would like us to do together. I seem to be the last person he wants to do anything with.

I don’t mind some alone time, but after a while, I feel lonely and left behind. If a vacation is planned, it’s always planned around his schedule.

LONELY IN MINNESOTA

DEAR LONELY: Could you possibly develop an interest in any of the hobbies your husband enjoys? That way you could be alone less of the time.

If that’s not possible, tell him you are unhappy and the current arrangement makes you feel lonely and isolated. Too much time alone isn’t healthy.

If he’s willing to do some compromising, your problem is solved. However, if he is inflexible, you will have to find more activities to fill your time that involve other people.

DEAR ABBY: There is a man I may be attracted to and have a lot in common with. The problem is that his teeth are crooked and yellow, and I can’t get past that.

He’s quite a bit older than I am, so I’m not sure that we would get together even if he got his teeth fixed. But I won’t know unless something is done.

I’m not someone who likes confrontation, so I’m having a hard time saying something. How do I deal with this problem?

FROWNING OVER HIS SMILE

DEAR FROWNING: It would be appropriate to wait until you are sure you are attracted to this person. Then, if you decide you are, talk to him at a time when you are both relaxed.

Smile and say something like this: “You know, you are such an attractive person. Perhaps you should consider talking to your dentist about having a little work done. If you did, you’d be an absolute Adonis.” His response should reveal if there is a path forward together, or give him something to chew on.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Lately, I’ve felt like I’m the odd man out in a girls-only club. I wish I had a son I could share my interests with. I’d love to have someone I could take fishing, teach about classic cars and play football and baseball with. I have tried introducing those interests to my girls, but they’re not into them.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my daughters beyond words. I beam with pride at their cheerleading competitions, at their dance recitals and at family gatherings, and I thank God for them daily.

I recently asked my wife if we could try to have one more child in the hopes of having a son. My wife is healthy, all three pregnancies went fine and we both make enough money to be good providers.

She said she would “think about it.”

GIRL DAD IN NEW YORK

DEAR GIRL DAD: You are not wrong. Your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to have them. This decision is something that should be between you and your wife, not her extended family.

If she feels three children are all she can handle, consider finding young males with whom to share your interests. Consider mentoring fatherless boys who need a role model. Go online and do some research. You may find there are opportunities in your community. However, if there aren’t, contact Big Brothers Big Sisters of America because there’s a need for the mentoring you could offer.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a high school student. I have many friends and acquaintances I consider near and dear to my heart. However, this year I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and both have impacted my relationships.

I have this problem where I tend to “soak up” the emotions of my friends and loved ones.If a friend is feeling sad, I do my best to make them feel better (I have been assigned the role of “therapist friend”), but no matter the outcome, I always end up feeling sad.

If my friends are happy, I’m happy; if my friends are depressed, I’m depressed. My therapist has described me as an “empath” and a “sponge.”

I have yet to find how to live my own, independent life. I’m sick and tired of feeling the way I feel because of other people. What can I do?

STRUGGLING IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR STRUGGLING: You are already working with a therapist. That’s good news. Now that you know what your diagnosis is, you have someone who can help you manage your emotions so they won’t swamp you.

Be patient. Your therapist will help you find the tools to accomplish this, and they will be important for you later in life.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

The last time “Brutus” was here, he was seen snatching food off the kitchen counter and the dining table. I love this friend, but I don’t love that dog in my kitchen and dining room.

Normally I would just say, “Please don’t bring Brutus,” but I can’t. My friend is now blind and says Brutus is their Seeing Eye dog. (Brutus doesn’t act like any Seeing Eye dog I’ve ever seen. He’s very undisciplined.)

I’m at a loss about what to do or say. Do you have any advice for me?

AWKWARD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR AWKWARD: Yes. Service dogs wear a harness or a vest. They also are trained not to leave their owner’s side. They never behave the way Brutus has, so it’s safe to assume this person may have been less than honest with you about their own status, as well as their dog’s.

DEAR ABBY: I used to have a great relationship with my mother-in-law. I considered her one of my best friends, until her severe drug and alcohol abuse began to ruin her life.

Her mental health issues came out in full force, and her lashing out reached a peak shortly before I married her son. After a barrage of nasty messages, she was not welcome at our wedding.

I have blocked her from contacting me. She occasionally reaches out to my husband to talk only about herself.

We are thinking about starting a family in the next few years, and I’m terrified of her having access to our child. Do we have an obligation to let her meet our child, or even let her know one exists?

She was a terrible mother to my husband (the authorities had to step in, and she was incarcerated) and she relinquished rights to her other child. This screams to me that she shouldn’t have access to any grandchildren.

After she verbally attacked me, I don’t even want her to know if I become pregnant.

My husband isn’t completely on board with keeping her in the dark, but he agreed not to tell her anything without us being on the same page. He is a thoughtful husband, but feels bad about being asked to keep such a big secret.

I’m filled with anxiety about her even knowing about a baby. I would greatly appreciate your advice.

ANXIOUS IN WISCONSIN

DEAR ANXIOUS: When someone becomes pregnant, they do better with as little stress in their lives as possible. While I admire your husband’s compassion for his volatile, unstable and abusive mother, he needs to accept that involving her in this chapter of your family life might not be the best decision for you or his child.

If you can’t get through to him, enlist the help of your doctor and someone with expertise in child development to help him understand that everyone will be healthier if she remains out of the picture.

She may find out eventually, but you will be safe in the short term.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

She has season tickets and attends wearing her team outfit. She got a team license plate and scours the daily sports page for team news first thing every morning. She talks baseball with anyone anytime, including me, incessantly, despite my lukewarm interest.

At home on game day she has multiple TVs on, as well as her laptop and phone dialed to the game, lest she miss one second of play. She can talk about every player on a first-name basis and their family in minute detail. When her team misses a play or loses, she gets irate and loudly curses at the TV.

I worry she takes it too seriously.

She’s now bringing her portable TV into bed for late games. Needless to say, thinking about baseball in the bedroom has thrown a curve to our marital bliss. When I bring up the interference, she argues that “most husbands” would be thrilled to be married to a “Gamer Babe.” Can you referee this disputed call?

STRIKING OUT IN SAN FRANCISCO

Tell her you love her, but you are oversaturated with statistics and need her to dial it back. Explain that the portable TV in the bedroom is interfering with your sex life, and if she values your marital relationship, she will respect that.

Don’t wait. Take your stand now, before baseball season starts again.

P.S. In self-defense, arm yourself with new interests of your own, because I have a feeling you are going to need them.

DEAR ABBY: I have a lovely life — a wonderful husband and five caring children entering adulthood. I have a successful career I am well-compensated for.

The problem I face is that at 47, my health is such that I live every day in debilitating pain. I spend my energy getting through my day and evenings, and weekends in pain and recovering from my work week.

My husband is understanding, but friends and family don’t understand. I don’t know how much longer I can continue this, but I don’t know how to give up a well-paying career without which my family’s quality of life would considerably change. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

TRYING TO REST IN MIDWEST

DEAR TRYING: Whether your friends and family “understand” the challenges you are dealing with is beside the point.

I will assume that you have talked at length about this with your husband. Your next step should be to talk with your physician about a referral to a pain-management specialist. If you are unable to find relief there, you may have to take the financial hit.

Although it may mean your family will have to make do with less, your quality of life is important, too.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Because I’ve done this before, I know what to do in certain situations and understand social cues. How do I go about teaching him about certain aspects in a relationship? Like, how do I get him to make the first move and things like that?

WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WONDERING: Be patient. Don’t pressure him. Remember, everyone advances at their own rate.

If what you want is a kiss, ask him for one. With a little help from you, I’m sure he will figure it out.

I live with my boyfriend and work from home. When it comes to patience about almost anything, I have the shortest fuse. Simple things trigger me, and I flare up quickly.

If I see someone driving faster than me on the road, I resent it. Something on TV or even the wrong food will trigger me. My boyfriend takes the brunt of it.

Other than my lack of patience and flying off the handle, everything is going relatively well. How can I get a grip and stop overdoing it when I get angry?

SHORT FUSE IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR SHORT FUSE: You need to deal with two separate issues. Your tendency toward competitive driving is dangerous to your health and others you encounter on the road. Our streets and highways are dangerous enough without motorists treating the privilege of driving as a competition.

The purpose of driving is to arrive at one’s destination safely rather than to compete with other commuters. When your stomach starts to tighten, ask yourself: “Could something other than road conditions be what’s bothering me?” Then give yourself a pat on the back for your insight and ease up on the accelerator.

Although your boyfriend may have the patience of a saint, unless you learn to control your impulses, you will drive him and others away. There, too, it’s important to identify what may really be making you fly off the handle. “The wrong food” or “something you saw on TV,” while frustrating, are excuses — not necessarily the cause.

I publish a booklet, “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With it.” It contains suggestions for managing and constructively channeling anger or frustration in various situations. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

It takes self-control to react maturely without exploding. If the suggestions in my booklet do not help you overcome your problem, consider discussing it with a licensed mental health professional. Becoming more in touch with your emotions will help you not only calm yourself without losing it, but also maintain the respect of others.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

He told my cousin he wanted to “make out” with me, and he came upstairs. I confronted him and told him to leave. Later, I told my mother about the incident, thinking I would be commended on my bravery.

Shortly afterward, against my will, she insisted my aunt, a hairstylist, cut my long hair up to my chin. I sobbed during the entire ordeal. My hair had given me confidence about my looks, which I needed because I was large-chested and embarrassed at that age about it. By cutting my hair against my will, my mother made me no longer trust her and think she didn’t love me or like me.

In later years, I realized she may have done it so I would not attract boys and there would be less risk of my being harmed by a boy like the one who got into our house. If that was the case, she should have sat me down and explained that the boy could have hurt, raped or even killed me. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Recently, my aunt and I had a falling-out, and I remembered she was the one who actually did the cutting. I am feeling resentment toward her after all these years.

STILL REMEMBERS IN VIRGINIA

DEAR STILL REMEMBERS: Yes, you are. Your mother punished you for being an attractive young girl, which wasn’t your fault. What she did was a form of assault and blaming the victim, and it was outrageous. It’s a shame your aunt couldn’t have talked some sense into your mother.

P.S. You did nothing wrong. Your cousin let the boy into the house, and your cousin should have been lectured about it.

DEAR ABBY: I went through breast cancer a few years ago. My breasts are now two different sizes because of the lumpectomy. I wear a gel prosthetic in my bra to camouflage it, and I’m extremely self-conscious about it. Because of this, I haven’t dated in 10 years.

How can I get past this fear of rejection?

OUT OF THE GAME IN ILLINOIS

DEAR OUT: I wish you had joined a cancer support group right after that lumpectomy. If you had, you would have received emotional support and tips for dating from other women who have had cancer surgery. Countless women have had breast surgery similar to yours.

If a potential partner is interested in you as a person, they won’t be turned off by the fact that your breasts aren’t the same size. Many women are born with asymmetrical breasts and live full, happy lives.

A way to get past this fear would be to open up and reach out. Another would be to talk to your doctor or a mental health professional. The only thing you shouldn’t do is hide yourself away as though having survived cancer is something to be ashamed of.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

My problem is, we’ve fallen into a parent-child relationship, where I’m starting to feel like the child. He enables me to the point that if I’m the least bit distressed (i.e., doing dishes and getting frustrated because there are a lot), he takes over what I’m doing. He even tucks me into bed and kisses me goodnight, turns off the light and closes the door. (Because of our work schedules, we sleep at different times.) I find this strange.

I have mentioned it to him before, and it hurt his feelings. I love him dearly, but seeing him as my “parent” is starting to make it hard for me to love him as my husband. I have asked him to go to therapy, but he is unwilling.

I am very blunt when it comes to saying things, and it generally triggers arguments. How can I tell him all of this bothers me without starting a huge fight?

ADULT WOMAN/WIFE IN MICHIGAN

However, because his demonstrations of affection bother you, choose a time when you can have a calm discussion and explain to him how these gestures affect you. It also might be worth your while to schedule a session or two with a licensed psychotherapist to give you some insight about why you react so negatively toward your husband’s loving gestures that you would write me about it.

DEAR ABBY: I recently made the acquaintance of a woman who just moved into our neighborhood. We are both new members of a local civic club. I asked if she would like to attend an upcoming event for the group and have breakfast afterward.

It was a bad move on my part, because she now seems to think I am her best friend.

She sends me text messages throughout the day — seven yesterday alone. She constantly asks me for rides to meetings and local events, often at the last minute. I’m sure she’s lonely, but I am busy with a husband. I also volunteer for a nonprofit group and manage a short-term rental property.

I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I don’t have time for someone this needy. How do I tell her to back off?

STRESSED IN RETIREMENT

DEAR STRESSED: Convey that message directly — but kindly — by explaining that you are busy with a husband, volunteering for a nonprofit and managing real estate and don’t have time to maintain the kind of relationship she’s seeking. Tell her you will reach out to her when you have an opening in your schedule.

Then suggest she may meet more like-minded people and make more friends if she begins volunteering in the community, too.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

It has been a few years, and there has been no mending of their relationship. They have a lot of mutual friends, so they know they will still sometimes see each other.

I’m about to have a party, and have invited both of them. What’s the rule of etiquette here? Should I go out of my way to inform them both that the other is coming? I don’t want to surprise them, but at the same time, I worry that telling them would be a little dramatic. They are both adults who can deal with it — I think.

NERVOUS HOSTESS IN OREGON

DEAR HOSTESS: No rule of etiquette decrees that you must run your guest list by prospective guests. It isn’t necessary to raise the subject with either of them. As you stated, these people are adults and should be able to handle themselves appropriately. Issue your invitations and enjoy your party.

I asked my stepson, “Miles,” who was living in Tennessee, if he could help us out by moving to Washington state and caring for Dad during the day (Miles works nights), given that Dad needed 24/7 care.

Within two weeks, Miles had given up his life in Tennessee and moved across the country to help.

Because he was helping us, we didn’t ask him to pay rent. His generosity saved us thousands of dollars in nursing home fees, and Dad was much happier living at home.

Dad passed away early this year, and my siblings and I are in the process of selling the house.

Miles is still living with me in the house because I inherited Dad’s two dogs. He takes care of the dogs and such while I’m gone for various reasons. He has been a huge help and I still haven’t asked him to pay rent, given his sacrifice to serve our needs during a time of crisis.

The problem is, my sister thinks Miles should now pay rent until the home is sold. My brother and I disagree with her. My brother says if it’s fine with me, it’s fine with him.

I feel like I’m “paying it forward” for the help Miles gave not only to us, but our dad. He earns a minimal salary and pays for half the utilities and most of the food. Asking him for rent until we sell the house feels selfish to me, given that he unselfishly relinquished his previous life for my family.

Am I wrong not asking him for rent? We expect to sell the home within six months or less.

NEEDING GUIDANCE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR NEEDING: Your stepson is selfless and generous. I do not think he should be expected to pay to live with you under these circumstances, so stand your ground.

However, I do think that Miles should be giving serious thought to finding a job that will pay him more than a “minimal” salary because in six months, once your father’s house is sold, he’ll need a roof over his head.

Please encourage him to do so, and if he needs training to reach his goals, encourage him to get it.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.